


Bumps

by SoThere



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Pregnancy, Pregnancy complications, pregnancy loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-01-18 01:06:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1409311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoThere/pseuds/SoThere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baby bumps and speed bumps… Katniss and Peeta discover things don’t always go according to plan on the road to creating a family. Modern day AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Katniss and Peeta had only been married a few months when they decided they were ready to buy their first home.

They scrounged together a small down payment from a few years of savings and some of the gifts they received at their wedding. After walking through dozens of houses, they finally found the _one_. It was a true fixer-upper, beat up and desperately in need of a makeover, but they fell in love with it instantly. At night, Katniss loved to watch Peeta sketch ideas as they dreamed up ways they could bring it back to life. They were so excited to make it all their own, together.

The renovation proved larger than they originally anticipated. Old carpets stained from years of cigarette smoke and pet stains were torn out; every bit of wall and molding needed to be washed and coated with fresh paint; dangerous light fixtures were removed and new ones hung. Peeta tore out the kitchen layer by layer until they were at the studs, each new level revealing yet another problem underneath. The cabinets were hung improperly. The plumbing was not to code. The electrical service was insufficient. They lived for weeks using only the bathroom sink and a microwave to cook their food, but they didn’t mind. They were newlyweds, and madly in love.

Sometime in the second month of the renovation, Katniss started to feel ill. At first, she brushed off the constant fatigue and weariness as side effects of the renovation. She worked full time, then came back home to paint and scrub walls and pull up staples from the floorboard until the wee hours of the night. Of course she was exhausted.

But after a few weeks of feeling off, she started to develop other symptoms. She nearly fainted one morning, racing to an early meeting. She chalked it up to missing breakfast, but was noticeably shaken by the spell. The next day, she couldn’t shake the nausea that developed after she smelled a coworker’s lunch warming in the microwave. She thought it would pass after the odor had faded, but for some reason, her stomach continued to roll angrily for the rest of the day.

It took a visit with Prim to finally put the idea in her head. They had gotten together to shop for paint samples when Katniss had to stop and rush to the bathroom at the back of the home improvement store. Prim leaned against the sink watching her closely as she came out of the stall, wiping her lip.

“Are you pregnant?”

Katniss froze with her hands under the cold water, meeting her sister’s eye in the mirror above the sink.

“What? No. I-”

She quickly wracked her brain to remember when her last period was. Maybe she was a few days late… But with the stress and strain of the renovation looming over her, it was only natural her body would be a bit out of whack. As she tried to assure herself Prim was crazy, she suddenly realized they had closed on the house nearly six weeks ago, and she never did unpack any pads or tampons.

“I can’t be…” she said unconvincingly.

She scowled as she remembered the words of Effie, the irritatingly cheerful real estate agent that had helped them purchase their house. “Oh, the two of you are so precious! Newlyweds, and now first time home owners. Well, you know what they say… new house, new baby! I just know the odds will be in your favor!”

Katniss had sent a panicked glance to Peeta. As she caught his eye, he gave her a comforting smile. He understood her fears about having children, and had assured her before they got married that they would go down that road when – and only IF – she felt ready. He put an arm around her shoulder and she curved into his side. “Thanks, Effie, but we’re not going to be starting a family anytime soon. We’re just going to enjoy being married and spending every possible minute we can together.”

That was the plan, anyway.

Ditching the paint samples, she and Prim made an emergency trip to the closest pharmacy and picked up two different pregnancy tests, just in case. As soon as they got back to the house, she locked herself in the bathroom, staring down at the boxes with more disgust than she had given the termite damage they had found the previous week.

The first test produced two blue lines before her eyes far faster than the two minutes promised on the box. Still in denial, she ripped open the second one, a fancier more expensive stick. This time, there was no second guessing the clear “PREGNANT” looking back up at her.

“ _Shit_.”

“Katniss?” Prim began knocking on the bathroom door and jiggled the locked handle. “How’s it going in there? Everything okay?”

Katniss opened the door with her left hand, her right still clutching the plastic stick. She couldn’t tear her eyes off of it.  She looked up after a moment to see Prim waiting expectantly for her response. Katniss tried to answer her, but for some reason her mouth wouldn’t work. It didn’t seem to matter; glancing back down at the stick for what had to be the tenth time was all the answer Prim needed.

“I knew it. I knew it! You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” Katniss had barely nodded her head when she felt herself attacked by her younger sister, wrapped in a bear hug and jostled as the blonde jumped up and down. “Eeee!! I’m going to be an auntie! I can’t wait! I’m so excited! Aren’t you excited?!”

Excited wasn’t quite the word Katniss was looking for. Shocked. Surprised. Overwhelmed. _Terrified._ Those were more appropriate words to describe this moment. Her head was swimming as she tried to process this life-changing piece of news. Pregnant?

She walked through the rest of the day in a fog, her brain still trying to process the shock. Prim stayed for lunch, leaving only after making Katniss promise she would call her the second she told Peeta.

For once, she was grateful that he was working his usual Saturday shift at the bakery. She needed a few hours to herself to process this information before telling him. No doubt he’d be overjoyed, ready to call the entire family and all of his friends to profess the news.

At least, that’s what she _thought_ would happen. Peeta’s reaction was her second major surprise of the day.

“You’re … _what_?” His shook his head, wide eyes trained somewhere over her shoulder. “No, that can’t be.”

“Peeta?”

He turned away from her, leaning on the saw horse set up in the middle of the gutted kitchen. She watched his knuckles turn white as he mumbled to himself. “We were so careful. This can’t be real… it can’t be.”

Katniss scowled at the hunched over, muttering stranger in front of her. Where was this coming from? Why was he shutting her out? “Peeta!” He whirled to face her, eyebrows raised in a frightened expression. “What’s the matter with you?” His mouth opened and closed wordlessly as he looked frantically from her eyes to her belly.

The cold realization started to hit her. He didn’t want this after all. This was a mistake; a regret. “Are you …” she started in a small voice, fighting back tears. “Do you not want this baby?”

His eyes snapped up to meet hers. “No!” he breathed, and rushed forward to gather her into his arms. “No, god, no. Katniss, of _course_ I want this baby.”

“Then what’s going on?” she mumbled into his flannel shirt. “I thought you’d be happy.”

Pulling back, he cupped her face in his calloused hands, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs. “I _am_ happy. I’m just – shocked. And…” His eyes softened as he studied her, searching for the right words. Finally he let out a groan, and waved his arms frantically around the room. “It’s just - look at this place! We can’t have a baby in here!”

Slightly relieved, Katniss looked around the room with a fresh set of eyes. She saw the bare walls, free of insulation and sheetrock, with cracks allowing bugs and drafts in from outside; exposed electrical wiring and stubs of plumbing leading nowhere; torn up floor boards riddled with staples and splinters. Peeta was right. This was no place for a baby.

Her face must have belied her panic, because Peeta suddenly composed himself. He grabbed her hand and walked her over to sit on the plastic tub that held their pots and pans. “Whoa, hey – It’s okay. I’m sorry, I overreacted. I don’t want you to worry. I’ll take care of this -”

“No, you were right, Peeta! This is terrible!” She jumped up off the tub and began pacing around the boxes and crates. “How are we going to finish all of this work in time for… What the _hell_ were we thinking taking on a project like this?! What are we gonna do?”

“Katniss, stop.” A tug on her arm stopped her in her tracks. She whirled around to see Peeta had lost all traces of his earlier panic. Instead, she saw hints of sadness in the lines of his face. “This isn’t really about the house, is it?”

“What are you talking about?”

He avoided her scowl, looking down to their joined hands as he swung them gently back and forth between them. “Katniss, we’ve been friends for a decade now. I know everything about you, and I know your feelings on having children. You don’t have to pretend for me.” His voice dropped to a near whisper. “ _You_ didn’t want this.”

Katniss couldn’t deny his accusation. She _hadn’t_ wanted this; at least, not right now. But as she spent the afternoon thinking about it, she’d started to grow accustomed to the idea. She’d actually begun to wonder if maybe it was supposed to happen this way. If they had waited until she was mentally ready for a baby, they probably never would have started a family.

She squeezed his hands and drew him a little closer to her. “I know what you’re saying, Peeta. Yeah, I’m scared. But it’s done, and… I think I’m happy.” He looked up at her, eyes bright, and wrapped her in a fierce hug.

Pulling back, he searched her face. She could see he was struggling to hold back a smile. “Are you sure about this, Katniss? You’re really okay?”

“I’m fine,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “We’re just having a baby. There are worse things that could happen.” She shook her head. “In fact, there’s really only one thing I regret in this whole situation…”

Peeta looked concerned now. “What’s that?”

She leaned up and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “Well, it’s killing me to say this, but – now we have to admit that annoying Effie was right.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is about the bumpier road to parenthood, and things start to get a little angsty starting in this chapter. Be warned there will be elements of pregnancy complications/loss as the story goes on. I know that these can be triggers for some. Thank you for reading.

Katniss quickly realized that pregnancy was not always the blissful, ethereal time TV and the movies portrayed.

The fatigue was crushing, sending her to bed early every night and weighing her limbs down like lead in the morning. Not wanting to tax her further, Peeta took on the bulk of the home renovation himself, working well into the night, far later than he should have while still keeping baker’s hours. Normally, she couldn’t sleep well without him by her side, but these nights she was pulled into a sleep so deep and swift it felt like she’d been drugged.

Reading the pregnancy books her mother had sent, the term “morning sickness” became something of a joke. Katniss found herself sick morning, noon and night, and what was supposed to end by the third month lingered well into the sixth. She looked like hell, too. Her eyes were bloodshot from all the vomiting, her dark hair lay limp and greasy, and she was starting to believe the pregnancy “glow” everyone raved about was just a euphemism for “sweat.”

Rather than a time of happiness, she found herself feeling like a soldier at war with her own body.

Her mental health was suffering as well. Every doctor’s appointment was a source of anxiety. Pregnancy represented a huge loss of control over her future; she ate right and followed her doctor’s orders, but at any point, something could go wrong and she would be powerless to stop it. Each time the doctor moved a monitor around her belly looking for the heartbeat, she swore her own heart stopped.

To complicate things further, a routine ultrasound detected irregularities with the placenta that would need to be watched. The doctors assured her it was very common and typically nothing to worry about, but their words did nothing to ease her mind.

Mostly, she worried that she was already a terrible mother. She was committed to this pregnancy, and would do everything in her power to keep the baby safe and protected for as long as possible. But she couldn’t describe her feelings as love. While Peeta talked to her belly constantly - singing off key and telling stories about his day in an endearing cooing voice - she couldn’t bring herself to have a conversation with the bump. It was all so abstract to her normally practical self. How could you love something you couldn’t see? Feel connected to a person you hadn’t even met?

Oddly, even feeling the baby moving didn’t quell her worries. She knew that most women felt comfort and joy at their first flutters and swishes, but she felt only terror and ambivalence. Who was this alien creature moving around inside of her? Would she ever grow to love it?

She lay in bed one night, late in her eighth month, staring at the bump. Peeta was reading beside her, his right hand lying across her belly in a protective gesture that had become all too familiar recently. The baby was especially active this evening, and she watched as the entire swell of her abdomen moved and shifted with its efforts.

“Shouldn’t I feel something?” she whispered.

Peeta looked up from his book. “What do you mean?” he laughed. “You couldn’t feel that?”

“Not _that_.” Katniss struggled to lift herself up to a sitting position. “Shouldn’t I feel… a connection to this baby? Some kind of mystical bond? This whole thing is so bizarre. It’s like a stranger has taken up residence in my body.”

Peeta scooted up next to her and put an arm around her shoulder. “Well, she _is_ a stranger. At least for now.”

“See - that’s what I’m talking about!” She turned to face him, shrugging his arm off in the process. “You said ‘ _she’_. I can’t do that!” Ever since the ultrasound confirmed his suspicions, Peeta had been telling anyone who would listen that they were having a daughter. Katniss was more cautious about the information. She certainly wasn’t going to rush out and buy dresses just yet.

“How do you really _know_ it’s a ‘she’? We don’t know anything about this baby, and you walk around acting like you love it already!”

Peeta reached out to put a hand on her belly again. “Well, that’s because I do love her.”

Katniss scoffed and flopped back onto the bed. “Of course you do. _You_ don’t have the emotional IQ of a slug.”

He laughed and lay down beside her, holding his head up with one hand and rubbing her belly with the other. “You do _not_ have the emotional IQ of a slug. Maybe an earthworm…” She shoved his hand off and tried to turn away, but he gripped her shoulders and pulled her back. Hovering over her, he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

“I’m kidding,” he insisted, his smirk fading. “You’re perfect. And I don’t care what you say – you love this baby just as much as I do.” Katniss shook her head, but he put a finger to her lips to stop her before she could protest. “You _do_. I see how careful you are about reading up on the latest studies, and how nervous you get at every appointment. You’d do anything for this baby.”

“That’s not love,” she mumbled from behind his finger. “That’s protection. It’s my job to make sure this baby survives until it’s born, and I take my job very seriously.”

Peeta smiled. “Call it what you want. I still say it’s love. It’s no different than how you ‘protected’ Prim all those years.” He quirked an eyebrow, challenging her to argue, but Katniss just shrugged. Bringing up her sister was a low blow, but she knew deep down he was right. After their father passed away, she was became a second mother to Prim when their own mother checked out emotionally.

Still, this felt different somehow.

He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to her lips. “And anyway, the books all say it’s totally normal to feel this way. Just give it time.”

Time. That was the one thing she was clinging to. But she knew it was running out.

* * *

The following week she had a repeat ultrasound at the hospital. Her doctors wanted to keep a close eye on the baby to make sure the issues with the placenta weren’t worsening as her due date grew near.

“Katniss Everdeen?”

Katniss looked up from her book to the nurse holding her file. “It’s Mellark,” she corrected. She’d planned to keep her last name after they married, but halfway through the pregnancy, she decided she wanted to have the same last name as the rest of their little family. Peeta had offered to take her last name, or to hyphenate the two, but she opted for the more traditional route. Besides, his last name was on the generations-old bakery that he would someday inherit.

“We’re ready for you in room 3.”

Hesitating, she looked to the door, hoping to see Peeta walking in. He had to open the bakery that morning, but had promised to meet her as soon as his brother arrived. “My husband isn’t here yet...”

“It’s fine, dear. The receptionist will send him back as soon as he gets here.”

Lying there without his hand to hold, the minutes seemed to crawl. She stared at the ceiling, distracting herself by looking for patterns in the swirls of the tiles. The tech was being extra thorough this time, not making the usual small talk about the weather or plans for the weekend. While Katniss would normally find comfort in such a reprieve, the silence was deafening. Where was Peeta?

Eventually the tech excused herself and left the room without much explanation. She returned a few minutes later with a tall, balding man that Katniss assumed was a doctor. They discussed something quietly for a few minutes as the tech pointed things out on the screen. The doctor took over the machine himself for a moment before finally turning to address Katniss directly.

“Ms. Everdeen –“

“Mellark,” she interrupted nervously, watching the tech step out of the room again. “What’s going on? Is something wrong?”

“Ms. Mellark. I’m Dr. Latier, one of the resident physicians. Unfortunately, it seems the issues with your placenta have not resolved as we’d hoped. The baby is no longer getting the nutrients needed and is not growing as we’d like to see. Continuing this pregnancy has become too risky for the both of you, so we’re going to have to deliver today.”

Katniss went numb. She heard bits of his explanation– words and medical phrases she was sure she had read about before, but the gravity of the situation overwhelmed her. Deliver _today_?

“But – it’s too early! I’m not due for another month.  What if -” She wasn’t even sure what she was trying to ask. “Isn’t it dangerous to for the baby to be born now?”

“I assure you, it’s more dangerous to wait. The baby is small, but the lungs are developed and functioning properly. If there are any concerns after the birth, we have an excellent neonatal ICU upstairs. Your baby will be well cared for.”

The tech reappeared with a red-headed orderly pushing a wheelchair behind her. “I’m here to bring a patient up to OB?”

The arrival of the man only served to increase Katniss’s anxiety. “No – wait! My husband isn’t here yet. I can’t do this without him!”

“Katniss?” As if on cue, she heard Peeta’s voice from down the hallway. He entered the room, confused by the three medics looking at him. “What’s going on?”

The sight of his disheveled curls and flour dusted t-shirt made everything real all of a sudden, and Katniss burst into tears.

Peeta rushed to her side and took her hand as the doctor quickly explained the situation again. Stunned, he listened quietly, absorbing the news while stroking her knuckles with his thumb.

“We’d like to take her upstairs to begin prep for the delivery,” Dr. Latier concluded. “To move things along, you can stay here to being filling out the paperwork with Ms. –“

“No,” Peeta’s voice was firm as interrupted the doctor. “I’ll fill out whatever you need upstairs. I need to stay with her.” Dr. Latier studied them both, nodding before giving the orderly his instructions.

The couple was quiet on the elevator ride, and Katniss felt lost without Peeta’s comforting voice filling the silence. She watched him staring at the numbers while the elevator ascended slowly, a blank look on his face. His hand was still curled around her fingers and she gave it a little squeeze, drawing him from his thoughts.

He gave her a weak smile, and squeezed her hand back. “Guess it’s good I finished the baby’s room last week.” She could see he was trying to be brave for her sake, but the wrinkle in his brow told her he was just as worried as she was. The elevator opened, and he stepped closer so they could walk through the doors together. “Prim will be disappointed about the baby shower, though.”

Katniss had forgotten all about the shower, which was scheduled just a few days away. Their mother had moved to a warmer climate in an attempt to improve her mental health after Prim started college. As the remaining local branch of their family tree, Prim had taken on the party planning in her place. Katniss tried to indulge her sister as much as possible, but she still spent the past few weeks vetoing ideas for games like “Baby Food Taste Test” and “Guess Mommy’s Girth.”

“I can’t say I’m totally disappointed about that one,” she admitted, eliciting a chuckle from Peeta. “We should probably call her soon… Let her know what’s going on.”

He nodded. “Of course. I’ll call her as soon as you get settled.”

The orderly turned down a few corridors and into a homey hospital room. Peeta stepped out to contact Prim as Katniss was transferred to a hospital bed and slowly attached to several monitors and wires. A hospital bracelet was cinched snugly around her wrist and an IV was placed into the back of her hand. She was starting to feel overwhelmed by the activity around her as she repeated her name and birthdate half a dozen times.

A squat nurse with a short gray bob fiddled with a monitor around Katniss’s belly, trying to capture a reading. She velcroed it tight around her middle and watched a long strip of paper print out to the right of the bed. Frowning, she adjusted the monitor and studied the paper again carefully.

“What’s that?” Katniss asked, concerned by the older woman’s actions.

The nurse turned and gave her a small smile. “Just watching the baby’s heartbeat.” She made a few notes on the paper before looking back to Katniss and patting her hand. “Don’t worry about a thing. You’re in excellent hands.” She watched for a few more minutes, then excused herself to the nurses’ station.

Peeta returned a few minutes later, looking around the empty room. “Everyone’s gone?”

“For now.” Katniss shifted as much as she could in the bed without disturbing all of the monitors. She reached her hand out to Peeta, who had stalled out a few feet from her bed, watching the screens. “C’mere.”

Peeta pulled a chair as closely as he could to her bed and cupped her hand in both of his. “Are you scared?”

“Kinda.” Katniss laughed ruefully. “Guess we don’t have time for those birthing classes now.”

Peeta shook his head and smiled at her. “Nope. That’s what we get for procrastinating. Guess we’re gonna have to wing it.” He reached out and smoothed her hair back from her face. “You can do this,” he insisted. “I know it’s not how we’d planned, but we have to focus on the positives. We’re going to meet our daughter soon.”

She leaned her head into his hand, closing her eyes. “Mmm-hmm.” She wished she felt as positive as he did. If only she’d had a few more weeks to get her head around this. Maybe by then she’d feel ready, somehow.

The nurse returned a few minutes later to check the monitor again, making a disappointed clucking sound. “Can you get over onto your side, dear? It will improve blood flow to the baby.” She helped Katniss shift onto her left side and adjusted the straps. “I’m sure it’s fine, but I’m going to give Dr. Latier a call to get his opinion. Just try to relax for now.”

Relax? Katniss was anything but relaxed, tethered by wires and tubes and getting more concerning news every minute. She stared at the clock on the wall, trying to think of anything but the clicking of the machines surrounding her. It was hard to believe it was nearly lunchtime. If she was at work right now -

“Haymitch!” At the thought of work, her boss and mentor of the past four years popped into her head. She was expected at the office after her appointment, but with the sudden drama, she’d completely forgotten to let anyone on her team know what was going on. She knew Haymitch would be concerned if she didn’t show up; while he gave a first impression of a crotchety middle-aged man, he had a heart of gold and had become a father figure to Katniss over the years.

“He’s probably wondering where I am. I don’t want to worry him…”

“I’ll send him a text,” Peeta offered. He had forged his own friendship with Haymitch over the years, since bonding over a soccer game at the first company picnic. “He’ll understand.”

Just as Peeta finished typing out the text on his phone, Dr. Latier entered the room with the nurse. He stood by the bedside and cleared his throat.

“Mrs. Mellark – I’ve reviewed the results of your tests, and unfortunately we need to move things along more quickly than originally planned. We’ve seen several drops in the fetal heart rate, and with the earlier results, I’m concerned the baby is in distress. We’d like to perform a cesarean section as soon as possible.”

“What – what does that mean?” Peeta asked. “Is the baby okay?”

 “For the moment,” the doctor said, his face serious. “But time is of the essence. I’ve spoken with your OB and she agreed that we should move forward as soon as possible.”

Things moved quickly. Transport was arranged. The risks and side effects were reviewed. Consent forms were signed. Peeta was able to accompany them to the surgical unit, but because of the urgency, Katniss would have general anesthesia and he would not be allowed into the operating room. They would both miss the birth of their daughter.

Peeta held onto her hand right up to the operating room doors where the nurses let them know it was time to say goodbye for now. He leaned over to whisper something to her belly before giving Katniss a tender kiss. “I’ll see you soon,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

Katniss gripped his hand between both of hers, reluctant to let him go. “Stay with me,” she pleaded, even though she knew he couldn’t.

He brought their hands up to his mouth for a teary kiss. “Always,” he reassured her, his voice breaking. “I love you. I love both of you.”

She swallowed, staring into his wet eyes, trying to compose herself. “I love you, too.”

The surgical staff moved swiftly, transferring her to the operating table, strapping down her limbs and connecting her to the monitors. The anesthesiologist spoke in hushed tones, offering words of comfort and instructing her to relax and count backwards from one hundred.  She found herself fighting as the medicine did its work, every instinct resisting the darkness that threatened to take hold.

Finally, she let her lids close and focused on the calming blue of Peeta’s eyes as they had parted. As she fell asleep, she wondered if their daughter’s eyes would have the same warm hue.


	3. Chapter 3

She was running, trying to flee… something. She wasn’t sure what was chasing her, but she was definitely being pursued. Her lungs ached as she ran, her legs heavy from the exertion. There was a sharp pain in her stomach, as though she’d been lanced through by an enemy spear. She held tight to it and kept on running.

Or – no, she wasn’t fleeing. She was searching for someone. Was it Peeta? Prim? She could hear them both calling her name. A cry echoed in the distance. Somebody needed her desperately, she just couldn’t remember _who_.

The forest was alive around her; the trees rippled and shimmered as she flew by. She stopped to wonder at its beauty – everything was so pretty and _shiny_ \- until she suddenly realized she was in danger. Everything around her was on fire. The heat from the flames enveloped her entire body.

But she was tired; so, so tired. Maybe she should sit down and rest. Just for a minute.

Her head hit a soft pillow of leaves. A bird flew overhead, singing in a soft voice. No, not singing – speaking? The notes were soothing and familiar.

“She’s still asleep, but the doctors said everything went fine.” The hushed tones of her sister’s voice floated through the haze. “Peeta’s with the baby now.”

The baby?… _Oh_.

Swimming against the weight of the drugs to open her eyes, Katniss found Prim sitting in a chair at her bedside.

“Mom, she’s waking up. I’ll call you later.” Prim ended the call and leaned in to grab her sister’s hand. “Katniss! How are you feeling?”

Katniss looked around the room, trying to get her bearings. “I’m okay,” she whispered hoarsely. Her throat was raw and sore, and she struggled to swallow past the lump that was forming as the memories of the afternoon’s events came flooding back.

“Where’s Peeta? The baby… is everything okay?”

Prim grabbed a damp washcloth and dabbed at her dry lips. “She was a little small, and her temp is a bit unstable, but it’s understandable since she’s a month early. They took her to the NICU, but it was mainly a precaution. Peeta went with her.”

She _._

_Her_.

Katniss closed her eyes, a mix of relief and confusion flooding her veins. “So… it really is a girl?”

”Of course it’s really a girl!” Prim chuckled. “What did you expect after those ultrasounds? Did you think something would suddenly change?”

Katniss shook her head. “No. I just … This is all a little hard to absorb, you know?” She looked down at her torso, covered in blankets, and still somewhat swollen. Only a few hours ago, there was a baby in there, and now –

“Is it - is _she_ \- really okay?”

“Really. I wouldn’t lie to you.” Prim gripped her hand tighter and gave her a comforting smile. “I got a quick glance at her as they wheeled her away, and I think I caught a glimpse of dark hair.”

Katniss smiled thoughtfully. The idea of the baby – her… _daughter_? – having tangible features like dark hair was still too hard for her to imagine. She tried, but couldn’t picture anything but the grainy ultrasound photos Peeta had pinned all over the refrigerator.

“I thought I heard a new voice. “ A nurse came around the corner and leaned on the foot of the bed. “I’m Amy, the recovery nurse. How are you feeling?”

“Okay.” Katniss tried to shift in the bed and felt the ache in her abdomen for the first time. “My stomach hurts. And my throat’s kind of sore.”

“That’s all totally normal.” Amy checked the settings on some of the monitors and pushed a few buttons before looking back at Katniss. “I’ve just given you some more pain medicine through your IV, but we don’t want you _too_ comfortable. The goal is to get you up to your room and moving as soon as possible to avoid any complications from the surgery. Besides, as soon as you can get up and in a wheelchair, you can make a trip to the NICU to meet your baby! I hear she’s a real cutie.”

The nurse made a few notes on readings, checked the wound dressing, then showed Katniss the call button before heading out to check on another patient. Prim excused herself shortly after to make a few more phone calls, closing the curtain behind her so Katniss could get some rest.

Alone with her thoughts, Katniss found the idea of seeing her baby for the first time both thrilling and terrifying. She was relieved to finally put a face to this mysterious creature once and for all. But… what if she still didn’t feel that thing she was waiting for all these months? What if the baby didn’t like her, or recognize that she was her mother?

It wasn’t supposed to be like this - their meeting delayed for hours while she had time to second guess and overthink everything. Katniss was disappointed that hers was not the first face the baby saw when she opened her eyes. It was some consolation that Peeta was there in her place, but she had to admit she was even a little jealous of him. They were supposed to do this together.

“Hello?” Katniss heard a soft voice outside the curtain, pulling her from her thoughts. It opened slowly, a familiar tuft of blond curls peeking in, followed by cautious blue eyes. A grin lit up Peeta’s face when he saw her watching him. “Hey.”

Katniss couldn’t help but smile back. “Hey.”

He came in and sat at her side, grabbing her hand and leaning in to give her a gentle kiss. “Prim let me know you were awake. How are you feeling?”

She felt her muscles relax, the calm Peeta brought to her allowing the tension to release from her body. “I’ve been better,” she uttered, a tear leaking out and cooling her warm cheek.

He brushed it away with his calloused fingertips. “I can imagine. I wonder…” He studied her face as he searched for the right words, his eyes shining with excitement. “Do you want to see a picture of her?”

She stiffened again at the reminder that he had already met their daughter, gone ahead and crossed that threshold and left her three steps behind.

“Sure,” she replied, trying not to let the bitterness seep into her voice.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and quickly navigated to the photos. “She’s so beautiful, Katniss… “ His finger swiped across the screen, passing several blurry photos that he must have taken with shaky hands. Finally he stopped on a clear one, turning the screen so she could see better without letting it go.

“She’s small – but she’s perfect! Her little fingers and toes are so delicate, and she’s got these tiny fingernails…”

Katniss tuned out his proud rambling to focus on the screen. It was filled by a small red creature, wires taped to her chest and attached with a piece of beige gauze wrapped around her tiny foot. A knit pink cap covered most of her head, but she could see a few stray pieces of dark hair poking out in the front. Her eyes were closed, her head thrown back mid-cry.

She waited for that moment – that recognition, some awareness that this person on the screen was a part of her. But it never came.

“…wouldn’t let me hold her yet, but they said definitely when the two of us go back later, we’ll be able to.” She drew her eyes from the screen and watched him as he swiped to a close up of a miniature hand. His dimples were showing, and his voice took on that trill it always had when he was bursting with nervous energy.

She tried to put a smile on her face, but it felt more like a grimace. Peeta looked up from the phone, his own smile fading as he took in her pained expression. “I’m sorry, I know I’m rambling, I just –“ He shrugged. “I’m just so glad she’s finally here.”

Katniss smiled sadly, feeling a little guilty at tempering his obvious joy. “Me, too. I’m just a little tired right now.”

Peeta sighed, relief flooding his face. “Of course, I’m sorry. Between the medicine and the surgery – you must be exhausted.” He adjusted her bed and helped her lay back. “You get some rest; we’ll talk some more later.”

She lay back against the pillow and closed her eyes. Her mind was racing, and she knew sleep would elude her, but she was too weary to put on a happy face right now.

xxxxxxx

“I have a roommate?”

Katniss took in the small room, divided in the middle by a curtain. As the nurse wheeled her bed to the space closest to the window, she looked around at the beige walls and older television hanging above two bed spaces. This certainly wasn’t the cozy birthing room she had been in before the surgery.

“Yes, c-section patients are here in our surgical unit. You’re in the hospital a bit longer than for a normal birth, so we have to double you up.”

The implication that her daughter’s birth wasn’t “normal” stung, but Katniss brushed it off. She looked over to the empty bed and wondered where her roommate was.

“In any case,” the nurse continued, “she may be discharged soon, so if things stay quiet, you might have the room to yourself for a couple of days.”

Peeta set her bags down in the only chair as the nurse plugged her bed back in and began the process of reconnecting her wires to the room’s monitors. Glancing around, she seemed satisfied with her work and stepped over to the whiteboard at the foot of the bed to write her name in looping curves.

“So –I’ll be your nurse until 7. I’ve got another patient to check on, but then I’ll be back to help get you up and walking. Then you and your husband can head to the NICU to meet your baby.”

The din of call bells and crying babies was muffled as the door closed behind her. Katniss smiled at Peeta, grateful for the moment of quiet.

But the peace was short lived. Their attention was drawn to the door as it was thrown open again with a frustrated grunt by a slim woman with cropped dark hair. She stormed into the room, muttering to herself as she kicked off her shoes and stepped into a pair of slippers.

“These doctors are a bunch of idiots.” She pulled open the curtain between the beds to reach for a machine that had been moved closer to Katniss during the transfer, plugging it into the outlet between the beds.  She continued to grumble while pulling open the snaps on the front of her shirt and revealing her bra. “Never a straight answer, never any sign of a plan. I’d almost bet they’re just making it up as they go along.”

From a bag at her bedside she retrieved plastic parts that she connected together and to the machine before tucking two shields into the front of her exposed bra. “I mean, you’d think after all the money they throw into these fancy letters after their names that they’d have some clue, but oh _noooo_ –“

She stopped and waved her fingers at the stunned couple as they tried to discretely look away. “Wait - neither of you are doctors, are you?”

Peeta and Katniss shook their heads, bewildered. “I didn’t think so; you don’t have that sickening air of _superiority_ about you.” She switched the machine on and flopped onto her bed with a huff. “I’m telling you, they think they’re a bunch of gods, the whole lot of them.”

With her speech apparently finished, the room was silent save the sound of the breast pump – as Katniss now realized – whooshing rhythmically between them.

“Ah, ahem.” Stunned, Peeta looked between the whirlwind in the next bed and his wife. He ruffled a hand through his hair before clearing his throat. “We’re, uh, the Mellarks. I’m Peeta, and this is my wife Katniss. I guess we’re going to be roommates for a little while.”

“Johanna Mason. Pleased to meet you.” She reached her hand out, and Peeta leaned over to shake it while carefully keeping his eyes glued to the painting above her bed.

“So, ‘Mellarks’, what’s your story?”

“Excuse me?” Katniss bristled. Who _was_ this woman? “Our _story_ …?”

Johanna adjusted a setting on the pump and pulled her legs in on the bed. “Like, for starters, boy or girl?”

Peeta looked to Katniss, trying to gauge her comfort with this conversation. “We, um – Girl. We have a daughter.”

“Uh huh, and where is she?”

When neither responded right away, she sighed loudly. “Listen, you aren’t my first roommates, okay? I’ve been here for almost a month now, and I’ve stayed with all kinds of people: older moms on their fourth or fifth kid, teenagers scared shitless, a lesbian couple with twins… I’ve learned a few things about this place. Like, if something terrible happens to your baby, they have the courtesy to give you a private room, but other than that, they throw the rest of us ‘surgical patients’ in here to fend for ourselves without much concern to our feelings.”

“So-,” Johanna glanced around the room, “if your baby isn’t _here_ , she’s in either the nursery or the NICU.” She quirked an eyebrow, waiting for a response. “And judging by the dazed look on both of your faces, I’m gonna guess NICU.”

Katniss was overwhelmed by this woman. She had no idea how to respond except to nod her head. Luckily, it was enough to get the message across.

Johanna nodded back before leaning back against her pillows and sighing. “Yeah, me too,” she said quietly. Her eyes looked pained briefly before hardening, the fierceness from her original speech returning.

“Anyway, if you’re gonna be my roommates, you might as well know a little about me. First, I hate hospitals. All this sterile canned air makes me sick. Even the smell of the soap around here makes me want to vomit. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here, and get back to my cabin in the woods where I can breathe again.” Katniss couldn’t help but smile a little, finding something in common with the woman.

“Second, I don’t mince words, so don’t expect me to hold my tongue. I’ve been through a lot the past few weeks: induced coma, infections, multiple surgeries… And now some doctor is conspiring with my shitty insurance company to kick me out, because I’m ‘healed.’ But you know what? That’s _bullshit_. I’m not going anywhere, because the one thing that matters to me in this world is still up on that sixth floor.

“I fought for my life, and I survived when no one thought I would. And he’s fighting just as hard, I can tell. So I’m staying right here.”

Peeta cleared his throat. “I’m so sorry to hear-“

“NO.” Johanna leaned forward and pointed a finger at him. “And that’s number three: no pity. I don’t need your sympathy, blondie. I’m so sick of social workers and psychologists and priests coming down here, wanting to comfort me, wanting to cry with me. Like they have a fucking clue what I’m going through. _No._ They look at me like I’m some fragile little girl that’s gonna break or something. They have no idea how strong I am. How much I can endure.” She gave them both a stern look. “You got it?” Peeta and Katniss nodded. “Okay, then.”

She lay back against her pillow and crossed her legs. “Now -“ Grabbing her remote, she turned on the TV above her bed and the room filled with a raucous laughter. “I hope you enjoy reality shows. Because when I’m not at my son’s bedside, nothing relaxes me more than a good catfight.”

xxxxxxx

“We’re the Mellarks. We’re here to see our daughter? In pod 12?”

Peeta signed in with the receptionist at the front of the NICU unit while Katniss took in the waiting area from her wheelchair. There was a sign beside two steel doors with a list of rules about visitors. She watched as a member of the medical staff swiped a badge for admission before the heavy doors shut behind him.

On the wall above the receptionist desk was a large mural of baby photos labeled “NICU Graduates”. There were hundreds of photos of tiny babies in cribs, often next to pictures of an older child she assumed was the baby all grown up. She spotted older children with gap toothed grins, some with glasses, a few wearing sports uniforms, and several smiling from wheelchairs.

To her left was a comfortable looking couch, unlike the standard-issue waiting room chairs scattered around the rest of the room. Above the couch was a plaque marked with a tiny carving. Katniss recognized the Winnie the Pooh characters, Kanga and Roo, holding hands and walking down a path. Katniss leaned in to read the inscription.

_In memory of our baby girl, Rue_   
_Your fighting spirit inspired mommy, daddy & the nurses in pod 11_   
_Fly high, little bird_   
_3/11/05 – 7/29/05_

She stared at the little carving of Roo smiling at his mother and tried not to dwell on the sobering reminder of what lay ahead.

“Okay, we’re ready.” Peeta touched her shoulder, drawing her attention to the doors that were opening automatically. He wheeled her to a washing station where he instructed her on how to scrub her hands and arms properly before entering the unit. The hot water counted down the time, turning off only after the required minutes had passed. Peeta grabbed a clean gown from a bin beside the sinks and put it on over his clothes.

When they were both sufficiently sterile, Peeta wheeled her into the main part of the NICU. They passed several rooms with isolation signs and warning notifications taped up on the doors. Moving further in, Katniss recognized the “pods” as groups of four to six bassinets stationed in groups with several nurses attending to the babies inside. Some had curtains pulled slightly back to allow for privacy, but for the most part, the pod was an open cluster of babies, medical equipment and rocking chairs.

“She’s in Pod 12, the last one on the right,” Peeta murmured in her ear. “Visitors aren’t really supposed to look around when they come in here, to give the other families some privacy. Luckily, her pod is at the end, so we won’t get much traffic through there.” Katniss just stared straight ahead and nodded.

Finally, they passed a sign declaring “Welcome to Pod 12!” and entered a group of six bassinets. Two stations were empty and curtains were drawn between two of the others, though Katniss could see feet underneath as someone rocked in a rocking chair.

Peeta parked her wheelchair beside one of the middle stations and walked around to the side of the bassinette. “Hey baby, I’m back,” he murmured as he put his hand in to touch the baby inside. “And I brought Mommy this time.”

A nurse wearing Mickey Mouse scrubs turned to greet them. “Couldn’t stay away, I see,” she addressed Peeta, giving him a friendly smile before directing her gaze to Katniss. “You must be Mom. I’m Portia, your daughter’s nurse. I was here when she was admitted, and I’ll be on for a few more hours.”

“I’m Katniss,” she explained, her eyes never leaving Peeta as he leaned over to stroke the baby’s skin.

“Would you like some help to get closer?” Portia asked. It _was_ difficult to see what was happening inside the bed from her wheelchair. Before Katniss could answer, Peeta rushed back to his wife’s side.

“Oh - I’m so sorry, Katniss! Let me help you stand up.” Peeta locked the wheelchair and put an arm around Katniss as she gingerly stood up. She held a hand to the bandages to support her damaged muscles and made her way to her daughter’s bedside.

Katniss recognized the same fuzzy cap that she had seen in Peeta’s photos, but already the baby looked different. She was wrapped tightly in a white receiving blanket from her neck to her feet. Rather than the scrunched up cry she was caught in earlier, her face was relaxed with sleep, her full lips forming a small pout. Her skin had started to lose the strong reddish hue and faded to a more pinkish tone.

“You know, she still needs a name,” Peeta reminded her, pointing to the ‘Baby Girl Mellark’ sign at the base of the bassinet. “What do you think?”

In the weeks leading up to her due date, Katniss had been waffling over names for the yet-unseen child growing inside her. It was hard for her to make a decision, probably because it made the whole situation feel real somehow.

But there was nothing more _real_ than the perfect creature in front of her.

“I think we should go with the one you suggested,” Katniss replied, giving him a small smile. “It suits her.”

Peeta’s face lit up. Over the last few months of her pregnancy, he read into the meaning of every name he heard. He’d recently stumbled across one that meant ‘ _beloved_ ’ and had been making a not-so-subtle pitch for it ever since.

“Are you sure?” he asked, trying to hold back his grin. “But it’s not a flower name. Those are a tradition in your family… Won’t your mom be disappointed?”

Katniss shook her head. “I was thinking her middle name could be Rose, like my grandmother.” She shrugged. “But this is _our_ family now. We should start our own traditions. And I want her name to mean something to us.”

Peeta leaned over and kissed her temple. “I love that idea.”

“Did I hear correctly?” Portia interrupted the couple as she stopped to take the baby’s temperature. “Does this little girl have a name?”

Peeta looked to Katniss, who nodded her approval. “She does. Cara Rose Mellark.”

“Aw, that’s beautiful.” She entered some notes into the computer, and turned to Katniss as she rubbed her hands with sanitizer. “So, are you ready to try breastfeeding Miss Cara?”

Katniss stepped back a bit, panicked. Yes, she had planned to breastfeed. But now? _Here_? In the wide open, where anyone could see? She was already nervous about breastfeeding in theory; she needed more than a few minutes to mentally prepare herself for the reality of it.

“I –uh,” she stammered, looking to Peeta. She wasn’t good with words like he was, but he would understand.

“Um, could we actually hold her first for a minute?” he asked, sensing her discomfort. “We didn’t get a chance to do that earlier, and well, I was hoping maybe we could all get acquainted for a bit.”

“Of course.” Portia pulled two rocking chairs over from the empty bedsides. “In fact, we can probably do some kangaroo care, if you’re up for it.”

“What’s that?” Katniss asked as Peeta helped lower her gingerly into one of the chairs.

Portia loosened Cara’s blankets, disturbing her slumber and eliciting a small cry from the baby. “Skin to skin contact. It helps regulate her temperature, which she’s been struggling with, plus is good for blood pressure and her other vitals. It’s a great way to promote bonding, especially for babies in the NICU.”

Peeta sat in the chair next to Katniss as Portia lifted Cara out of her bassinet. “How does it work?”

“Pretty much just like it sounds,” Portia smiled. “You’d take your shirt off, and then we’d tuck her in on your chest, skin to skin.”

Portia lifted the baby up, and Katniss marveled at how she fit perfectly into her two hands, head and rump in each one. She looked so fragile, so helpless as she fussed from being disturbed. A terror washed over her – _could she do this?_ \- and she grabbed Peeta’s hand. “Why don’t you go first?”

Peeta squeezed her hand back. “Are you sure?”

Blinking back tears, Katniss nodded. She cleared her throat and pushed down any thoughts that she was already failing as a mother.

Peeta removed the gown he had donned and pulled the t-shirt underneath off over his head. Portia instructed him to pull the gown back on his shoulders as a robe he could pull around the two of them, then snuggled the baby onto his chest. She placed the blanket back on top of Cara and pulled the robe closed to keep her warm.

Instinctively, Peeta’s big hand came up to hold her close, her head snuggling into the soft hairs on his chest as she settled down. He looked at Katniss, his eyes shining. “Thank you, Katniss,” he said, his voice cracking. “Thank you so much.”

She choked out a laugh, the sight of her tiny daughter on her husband’s chest filling her heart with a surge of love so strong it stunned her. “For what?”

“For _her_.” Peeta looked down and stroked Cara’s head gently. “For this amazing gift.”

Katniss frowned and shook her head, feeling unworthy of his gratitude, but said nothing. She didn’t want to interrupt this moment with more talking. Reclining her head back against the wooden chair, she rocked slowly and watched the two Mellarks beside her. She marveled at the wisps of dark hair escaping her daughter’s hat and how it contrasted with the lighter hairs on Peeta’s chest.

The family rocked in a companionable peace, with Portia periodically checking in. Cara slept soundly for a while, but after some time she began to stir. A whimper escaped her as she burrowed further on Peeta's chest. He tried to reposition her, but eventually the mewling turned to a full-fledged cry. At the sound, Katniss sat up straighter, her muscles tense with concern. A protective instinct washed over her; she needed to _do_ something.

"Can I-" She met Peeta's concerned eyes. "I think… I'd like to try. To hold her.”

"Yeah." He smiled sheepishly. "Guess she's tired of me now."

Portia came back over to help with the transfer. Katniss hadn't had a chance to shower and put on her own nightgown from home yet, but the hospital johnny was already split in the front for ease in breastfeeding, so she was able to leave it on. Portia took Cara from Peeta and settled her onto Katniss, tucking her down between her breasts. The baby made a small sighing sound and turned her head to the side, calming instantly. Portia pulled the curtain around them closed a little tighter, giving the new family more privacy.

Katniss looked down in wonder. Up close, she could see that Cara had long, fine eyelashes that seemed to tangle together. For the first time, she was able to see her daughter’s eyes open, and she noticed they were a light blue very similar to Peeta's. She reached down and removed the pink knit cap, revealing a shock of dark hair that stuck up in every direction. A laugh bubbled up from her throat before she could stop it, disturbing the baby on her chest and causing her to squirm slightly before settling down again. Katniss reached out and touched the hairs, whisper soft as the down on a baby bird.

“I was wrong.”

Katniss looked up to find Peeta staring at Cara, his eyes intense and watery. “What?”

“I was wrong,” he continued. He looked up at her and smiled, wiping at the corner of his eye. “I thought holding her was the most incredible thing I would ever experience in my life. But this is. Seeing you with her – it’s like I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life, and I didn’t even know it. The two of you are my whole world.”

Katniss rolled her eyes at her cheesy husband, though she couldn’t hide the smile at his sentimental side.

Cara was calm and quiet, allowing Katniss to study every inch of her. But eventually, she became restless again and began to whimper. Katniss held her close as she wriggled on her chest, nuzzling closer to her breast.

Portia heard the fussing and poked her head in to check on things. “Sounds like Miss Cara might be getting hungry.”

Watching as her daughter rooted around in frustration, Katniss felt an ache in her chest. She surveyed the sheltered area Portia had created for them, telling herself they were in their own private cave, just the three of them. No one could hurt them here. It was time to let go of her fears and worries.

She wanted to do this for her daughter, but she _needed_ to do this for herself.

“Portia,” she asked. “Can you help me? I’m ready to try breastfeeding now."

"Absolutely." Portia gave her a smile, then rubbed her hands with sanitizer again.

"Let's get to work."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and all your kind feedback, and I apologize for my slow pace. I'm on Tumblr as sothereff if you'd ever like to chat. :)


	4. Chapter 4

The day had been physically and mentally overwhelming. Between the surgery and the afternoon in the NICU, Katniss was wiped out. Unfortunately, she couldn't get much rest overnight. She was struggling to balance her pain levels without feeling dopey from the medications they gave her. It didn't help that nearly every time she settled down, someone wanted to check her blood pressure. Or take her temperature. Or look at her incision.

By the time morning came, she was exhausted. But she knew their little bubble of privacy was about to burst. People had given them privacy the first day out of courtesy, but there were a slew of visitors scheduled to make an appearance today. Everyone in their circle of family and friends wanted to meet the new little Mellark.

Thinking back to the instructions they got at the NICU, Katniss knew that the baby could have only two visitors at a time, one of which had to be her or Peeta. The rules helped keep things quieter in the unit, and made sure all visits would be carefully monitored by the babies' parents.

"I can do the visits, if you'd like," Peeta offered. "So you can get some rest. You shouldn't have to do all that back and forth today."

"That's probably a good idea. If you don't mind..." Katniss was secretly grateful for the offer, and not just because she was so tired. Between the two of them, Peeta had the larger family. She just had Prim, and eventually her mom later that week, while he had two brothers, their wives, and both his parents planning to come by. While Katniss usually got along with most of the Mellarks, she still cringed at the thought of spending any length of time with them alone, without Peeta there as a buffer.

The family seemed to arrive in a bunch, Peeta's parents and both brothers getting to the hospital within minutes of each other. After visiting with Katniss and giving their congratulations, Peeta brought the whole gang down to the NICU while she tried to get some rest.

"Hello?"

Katniss had just begun attempting a nap when a shrill voice caused her to open her eyes with a start. The door to her room was partially closed, but she recognized the voice of her mother-in-law calling from the hallway.

"Come on in," she replied, subdued. It wasn't like she had anywhere to hide.

Mrs. Mellark came in toting a canvas bag overflowing with yarn. "Peeta let me go first, so I told him I'd wait down here while the rest of the family gets to meet her."

"Oh. Okay." Spending unchaperoned time with Ruth Mellark was the last thing she wanted to do right now, but she could try to be civil, for Peeta's sake.

“I thought it would be nice if I kept you company and worked on my knitting. I’m making the baby a blanket. Something special for her crib.” She held up a skein of scratchy looking yarn in a hideous shade of pink. Ever since Ruth learned she would have a granddaughter, she had been showering the couple with clothes and toys in a Pepto Bismol hue. Katniss fought a grimace as she pictured the bold item in the pastel-shaded nursery Peeta had spent so much time and care painting.

"Okay," Katniss repeated. The women stared at each other briefly before Ruth arched a blonde eyebrow at her daughter-in-law, waiting. "Oh, um, you can sit over here." She indicated the seat near the foot of her bed.

Ruth nodded, and moved toward the chair. She sat down on the edge and began sorting through her bag, pulling out her yarn, needles and the small square she had already begun. She perched a pair of reading glasses on her nose and quietly got to work.

Grateful for the silence, Katniss once again closed her eyes and tried to get some rest.

"She's beautiful by the way." Katniss looked up to find her mother-in-law watching her over the rim of her glasses. "You didn't ask how the visit went. But the baby is beautiful. She has lovely eyes."

"Thank you," Katniss repeated. A compliment from Peeta's mother was a rare thing, even if she was referring to the only feature she herself had probably passed down.

The door opened, drawing the women’s attention. Katniss felt a strange sense of relief when her roommate flopped on the bed beside her.

“Rounds,” Johanna explained as she crossed her ankles and turned on the television. “Don’t mind me.”

Katniss watched as Ruth cast a judgmental eye over Johanna’s spiky hair and matching black clothing. She knew how important proper introductions were to the woman. “Ruth, this is my roommate, Johanna. Her son is in the NICU as well. Johanna, this is my mother-in-law, Ruth Mellark.”

“Hey.” Johanna nodded casually, eyes quickly drifting back to the screen.

“Hello,” Ruth replied cooly. “Is your husband up in the NICU now?”

“Nah,” Johanna dismissed, scrolling through the channels. “No husband.”

Ruth raised an eyebrow. “Boyfriend?”

“Nope. It’s just me and Ash against the world.”

“I see.” Ruth replied, going back to her knitting with no attempt to hide her disapproving frown.  "So, Katniss, have you thought about doing a christening?" she asked, changing the subject.

Katniss adjusted the head of her bed higher and carefully scooted herself into a sitting position. Clearly she wouldn't be getting any rest now.

"Um, we haven't talked about it lately. Maybe. We hadn’t really decided." She shrugged. “We'll figure it out in a few months.”

Ruth looked down, focusing on the bubble gum yarn flying through her fingers. "It might be wise to do something sooner. Perhaps this week."

Katniss frowned. She knew her in-laws were more structured in their worship than her family was, but even still, this sounded extreme.

“It’s something we’re not really sure about yet. But if we do, we’ll want to celebrate it. Have the family all together. So it will take some time and preparation.”

Ruth shook her head. “You may want to rethink waiting, dear. In situations like this, it is sometimes wise to err on the side of caution.”

_Situations like this?_ Katniss’s frown grew deeper. “I’m not really sure what you mean?”

Johanna let out a scoff from the next bed. “I think what she’s so _graciously_ trying to say is that you better hurry up and do something just in case something BAD happens. Isn’t that right?” She cocked her head and eyed Ruth right back with the same contempt she had been giving her since they met.

“Well, I mean…” Ruth backpedaled. “I wasn’t trying to imply…”

“Oh, you weren't? You weren't suggesting a baby in this _situation_ might die before their soul could be claimed for your team?” Johanna sat up and leaned forward. “Wouldn’t want to tempt the gates of Hell. Isn't that right?"

Ruth pursed her lips and said nothing, but her silence spoke volumes.

"I -" Katniss was speechless, her heart in her throat. Was her mother-in-law actually suggesting that her baby's life could be in danger?

She looked to Johanna for some kind of comfort. She had been here longer; surely she would have some words of wisdom. But then she remembered Johanna's introduction, how her son had already had a brush with death in his short life, and she was ashamed for wishing such a thing. If anyone deserved words of comfort, it was her roommate.

Johanna seemed to sense the panic in Katniss's face, and her eyes softened. "Whatever." She cleared her throat. "Now if you don't mind, _Ruth_ , I've got to pump for my heathen offspring. So unless you'd like a free show..." To emphasize the point, she began unbuttoning her blouse. Ruth, who wore turtlenecks in the summer lest too much skin show, gasped and hurriedly began packing up her knitting.

" _Well_. I guess I'll just go down and see if the boys have finished their turns yet."

She walked toward the door, Johanna close on her heels, continuing to unbutton her shirt. "I'll see you later, Katn-" Her eyebrows flew up to her hairline as she turned to say goodbye and got an eyeful of Johanna's nursing bra as she shucked her shirt to the floor.

"Buh-bye now, Ruthie," Johanna said with a waggle of her fingers, before closing the door of their room in her stunned face.

She turned back and gave Katniss a mischievous smirk. "Well I guess that took care of her."

Katniss laughed at the sight of her roommate's proud swagger. She covered her mouth with her hand as the smile melted away and she burst into tears.

*-*-*

"Anyone in here?"

"Yeah, c'mon on," Johanna called out.

Prim made her way into the room, looking pointedly at the full tray of food Katniss had pushed to the foot of her bed.

She leaned in to give Katniss a careful hug. "Hey, how are you feeling? Not up to eating yet?"

Katniss shrugged. "Don't have much of an appetite."

Prim looked over the tray of broth, jello and tea. "They've still got you on clear liquids?"

Katniss picked at a thread on her blanket. "Not exactly."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Prim asked.

"What she means -" Johanna interrupted, "- is that they sent up the default meal because she didn't call in her order."

Prim looked between the beds before extending a hand out to Johanna. "I'm Prim, the younger sister."

"Johanna," she replied, shaking her hand firmly. "The roommate."

Prim watched Katniss pick at the blanket before addressing Johanna again. "What's this about an order?"

"They like you to feel like you're in a hotel or something, with room service. Like anyone could be confused," Johanna scoffed. "Anyway, you have to phone in your lunch order by 11:00 or they just send up the standard meal."

Prim sat down on the edge of her sister's bed. "Why didn't you call in your order, Katniss?"

Katniss didn't look up from the thread she had loosened. "I was waiting for Peeta. And then Ruth was here. I got... distracted."

Awareness washed across Prim's face. "Is that why your face is all blotchy? Did she make you cry again? What was it this time - you aren't good enough for her son? Or you won't be able to provide the 'right lifestyle' for her grandchild?"

"If only it were that tame," Johanna grumbled.

Katniss looked up at her roommate with wide eyes as Prim's attention moved to the other bed. "What do you mean?" the blonde asked.

Katniss’s eyes were pleading as she gave her roommate a desperate head shake. Johanna narrowed her eyes in return. "You must be brainless to want to cover for her. She's a terrible woman."

Prim gave her sister a stern look. "Katniss. What did she say?"

Katniss shook her head, her eyes filling with tears. When words escaped her, Prim turned to Johanna expectantly.

"Other than being an all-around cold bitch, she said they might want to hurry up and get the kid baptized. ' _Just in case._ '"

"In case of what?" Prim asked innocently. Johanna cocked an eyebrow and let Prim come to an understanding on her own. " _Oh_." Katniss burst into a fresh set of tears and buried her face in her hands.

“She did not!" Prim seethed. Johanna merely nodded as Katniss continued to cry.

Prim glanced at the uneaten lunch before turning to the empty chair beside the bed. "Where the hell _is_ Peeta?” she asked.

“Don’t get mad,” Katniss said between sobs. “It’s … not … his … fault.”

“Like hell it’s not,” Johanna chimed in. “He grew up with that woman. He should know better than to leave a hormonal time bomb alone with her for more than ten minutes.”

“No, it’s not like that. I’m fine.” Katniss wiped her eyes and looked back at Prim. “Peeta’s down with the baby. He’s introducing her to his family.”

Prim raised an eyebrow. “And when did that process start?”

Katniss shrugged. “A couple of hours ago?”

Prim fixed Katniss with a steady gaze. "A couple of _hours_? And how exactly are you going to see your baby if he's giving tours to every Mellark under the sun?"

Katniss reached for a tissue as the tears picked up again. She felt as though they'd never stop.

“That’s it.” Prim stood up and grabbed her purse. “I’m going to get him right now. Someone needs to talk some sense into him.”

Johanna laughed and leaned back with her hands behind her head. "I like her. Blondie's got spunk."

*-*-*

Prim returned a short while later with a sheepish Peeta trailing behind her. "Look who I found," she remarked.

Peeta moved to the bed and sat down carefully next to Katniss. "Hi," he whispered, taking her hand in his own.

"Hi," Katniss replied quietly. "How’s your family?"

Before Peeta could answer, Prim piped in. "Unfortunately, the Mellarks had to leave unexpectedly," Prim said with a smirk. "Pity."

Peeta gave his sister-in-law a chastised smile. "The only family that matters is the one right here," he said, squeezing Katniss's hand between his own. "You and Cara. You're everything to me."

"You’ve got a funny way of showing it," Johanna chimed in from her bed.

"Jo-" Katniss protested.

Johanna held her hands up in surrender. "I know, I know. Calm down." She gave Peeta a once over with a sigh. "You seem like a good guy. And she's determined to protect you," she said with a thumb wave toward the other bed. "But I believe in calling people out when they fuck up. How else can you fix things?"

Peeta nodded. "You're totally right."

"I know I am, Lover Boy," Johanna scoffed. "Now, she's still dopey from hormones and drugs and just the shock of having a person ripped out of her body. So she might not be thinking clearly, but I am. So I'll be the one to tell you: she needs to be in there with the baby, as much as possible. And you need to keep that ... _woman_ you call a mother away from her, unless you are there to buffer her from the crazy."

Peeta turned his gaze back to his wife. "I will, I swear. I’m so sorry Katniss. I wasn’t thinking.”

Katniss nodded, drawing courage from her roommate. “You can’t leave me like that again. I need you. And I need to be with her.”

Shame filled his eyes. “I can’t believe I was gone so long. I was just so proud to show her off, and there always seemed to be someone else waiting to come in -” He shook his head. “It was wrong. I won’t do it again. I promise.”

He leaned in and kissed her lightly before looking back to Prim. "Did you want to take Prim down to see her niece?"

“Oh, no.” Prim stood up, shaking her head vehemently. “I’m not going to add to this problem.”

“Prim,” Katniss began, but her younger sister would hear nothing of it.

“Nope.” She pulled out her keys and adjusted her purse on her shoulder. “I’m heading out.” She put her hand on her sister’s knee. “I’ll stop by later this week, once Mom gets here. There’ll be plenty of time to visit then. The two of you have enough on your plate without having to play tour guide, too.”

“I’m sorry, Prim.” Peeta offered.

“No, really, Peeta, it’s fine,” she insisted while giving him a quick hug. “I came to make sure Katniss was okay, and I can see that she is. But I know my sister, and what she needs right now is time and space, not more people traipsing in and out of her room.” Prim gave Katniss a hug and walked toward the door. “Get some rest. I’m going to let everyone know that you aren’t having visitors right now.”

“Thank you, Prim.” Katniss said.

Prim nodded at Johanna. “It was nice to meet you.”

Johanna gave the blonde a grin and nodded back. “The pleasure was all mine.” She glanced at her phone to check the time and climbed down from the bed. “Well, rounds will be over now. I’m heading back to the NICU.” She paused and turned to Katniss and Peeta. “Care to walk down together?”

Peeta looked to Katniss who gave him a small smile. “Yeah,” she answered. “I think we will.”

*-*-*

The days passed quickly. While the couple hoped Cara could be moved to the regular nursery, she was still small, struggling with her temperature, and developed a mild case of jaundice. The doctors insisted it was safer for her to stay in the NICU, so Katniss and Peeta spent as much time as possible at her bedside, learning the ins and outs of caring for a newborn. While the nurses were there to help, they insisted on doing every diaper change, every feeding, and holding Cara as much as possible.

Prim was true to her word and kept their families at bay for most of their stay. They allowed a few short visits, but Peeta was much more conscious of keeping them brief. And Katniss was in charge of the visit when her mom finally arrived to meet her first granddaughter.

“Where’s Lover Boy?” Johanna asked as they walked to the NICU together. They gave their names to the nurse on duty who called to their respective pods before buzzing them in.

“He went home to do some laundry and get a shower.” Katniss shrugged on a gown and adjusted her sleeves before stepping up to a wash station. “My mom’s coming today, so he wanted to give us some time.”

Johanna mirrored her actions, scrubbing her hands and arms beside her. “Ah. Are we happy about this visit?”

Katniss looked at her from the corner of her eye. “What do you mean?”

“You know, are you happy to see your mom? Are you close?”

“Yeah, I guess I’m happy.” Katniss shrugged.

Johanna studied her as the timer ticked down. “What does _that_ mean? Is she like the monster-in-law?”

Katniss shuddered. “God, no, she’s nothing like Peeta’s mom. She’s a perfectly pleasant person. It’s just…”

“Complicated?”

“Yeah,” Katniss replied gratefully. She worked on her fingernails and tried to find the right words. “She’s a nurse, and she worked a lot when I was little. Usually nights, so it seemed she was never really around. When Prim needed help with her homework, or my dad couldn’t figure out dinner, it fell on me. I learned to live without her at an early age, you know?”

Johanna nodded, but stayed quiet.

“And then…” Katniss wasn’t sure why, but she felt comfortable with Johanna. They had forged an unlikely friendship over the past few days, and she respected her roommate’s open, unapologetic nature. It encouraged her to open up about her own feelings.

“My dad died when I was eleven. And after, she cut way back on work, but it was like… She was there, but she wasn’t really _there_. She walked around in a fog most of the time. By the time she finally got help and moved past her grief, I was already sixteen. Prim was still young; she needed her. They became really close - shopping together and gushing over boys. But my mom and I, we never really … bonded.”

“I get it.” Johanna replied. “Too little, too late.”

The timer finally indicated the three minutes were up, so the women grabbed towels and dried off their arms and hands, the skin raw and chafing from the repeated washings.

“Sometimes –“ Katniss shook her head. “Mmm. Never mind.”

“What?” Johanna moved forward and the second set of doors opened automatically. They walked into the unit but Johanna moved against the wall and waited for Katniss to finish her thought.

“It’s nothing. It’s just – sometimes, I think that’s why I was so scared to have kids. Why I’m _still_ so scared. It’s like… I don’t know _how_ to be a mother.”

“Well that’s just bullshit,” Johanna muttered, turning around and walking deeper into the unit. Katniss walked behind her until they reached pod 7. Johanna cocked her head to encourage her to follow her in. The nurses nodded in recognition as she moved to Asher’s bedside.

Johanna spoke in low tones, her eyes never leaving her son. “I never really had a mother. She took off when I was a toddler, and we never heard from her again. None of the women my dad took up with after that could be considered mother-worthy, either.”

She reached in and adjusted the hat on Asher’s head. “But the second I found out about this guy, I realized, none of that mattered. Whatever fears I had, the doubts about my abilities - none of those mean a thing. Because the second he entered my life, like it or not, I _became_ a mother. So the way I see it, I could either sit around and feel sorry for myself, or I could step up and take care of him.”

Her eyes met Katniss’s across the incubator. “You’re already doing a better job than you think. You’re _there_. You’re trying. Every day. That’s all that matters.”

“Thanks.” Katniss gave her a small smile. She leaned in and brushed Asher’s hand lightly. His tiny hand reached out and grabbed onto her index finger. “How’s he doing?”

Johanna looked up at the monitor on the wall. “Well, his O2 levels are in the 90s, without any extra oxygen, so that’s awesome. We’re on day two of that. He hasn’t had a seizure in over a week. And the latest tests show the brain bleeds have started to resolve. All in all, I’d say he’s doing damn well.”

“Sounds like a good day to me.” Katniss smiled and gently extracted her finger from the baby’s grip. “I better let you two get to your visit now.” With one last nod to the nurses, she headed down to pod 12 to prepare her daughter to meet her grandmother.

*-*-*

By the end of the week, both Katniss and Cara were cleared to go home. While Peeta left to get the car seat and a few other last minute essentials, Katniss packed and repacked her bag. She double checked all of the nursing supplies and equipment she’d accumulated, shuffling around her bed checking drawers and flipping over sheets and pillows to make sure she hadn’t forgotten anything.

“What are you so nervous about?” Johanna asked from her bed. She didn’t look up from the gossip magazine she was skimming. “You should be dancing for joy to be getting out of here.”

Katniss chuckled. “I am glad. I’m just also a little bit… terrified.”

Johanna dropped the magazine beside her. “You’ll be fine, brainless. Just don’t think so much. Go with your gut.”

“Thanks,” Katniss replied quietly. She sat on the bed and began refolding her socks. “What about you? When are they saying…?”

Johanna shrugged. “He’s got a couple more weeks at least. Things are looking better, but we’ve still got a long road ahead of us. And since I’ve proven to be a fall risk…” She wiggled her wrapped ankle with a smirk. “I bought myself a couple more days in these cozy quarters. After that, I’m finally moving into the family rooms. Portia told me yesterday that one is opening up, and she’s made sure it’s mine.”

“That’s great news.” Overnight family rooms were offered to parents of NICU patients, but they were in limited supply.  Only a handful of rooms were available compared to the dozens of patients in the unit at any time. Often families that lived farther away, like Johanna did, had to resort to expensive hotel rooms.

“Yeah.” Johanna smiled. “Finally seeing a light at the end of this tunnel.”

“Who’s in the mood for something hot and sweet?” Their attention was drawn to the door where Peeta was juggling the car seat, several bags and a cardboard drink carrier with three steaming cups.

“Didn’t realize you were into swinging, Blondie,” Johanna winked.

“Very funny, Johanna.” Peeta answered with a smile. He handed Johanna a cup and a wax bag. “Thought I’d stop at the bakery on the way in. Felt like celebrating.” He put the rest of the items down on the bed and leaned forward to give Katniss a kiss.

“Mmmygawd,” Johanna mumbled through a mouthful of pastry. “This is amazing!”

“You don’t waste any time, do you?” Peeta laughed, handing Katniss her cup and sitting down beside her. “You’re lucky Jon was working this morning. His cinnamon buns are second only to mine.”

Katniss put her free arm around his waist and leaned her head on his shoulder. “I’d tease him for being ridiculously vain if it wasn’t true.”

“ _Mmmph_.” Johanna took another large bite, licking icing from the corner of her lips. “I’ve always admired your buns, Blondie, but this takes things to a whole new level.” She quirked an eyebrow at Katniss. “If he’s half as good in the bedroom as he is in the kitchen, you better never let him go.”

Katniss laughed easily and squeezed his arm. “Trust me, I don’t plan to.”

Peeta kissed the top of her head. “Oh! I almost forgot.” He reached behind Katniss and handed her a bag. “I got that thing we talked about.” Katniss nodded and took the bag from him. She walked over to Johanna’s bed and handed it to her roommate.

“What’s this?”

“It’s just a little something from us… a goodbye gift.”

Johanna squinted her eyes. “Why? I don’t need a gift.”

“Just open it. It’s nothing, really. Just something we thought you’d appreciate.”

Johanna removed the tissue paper and pulled out a small jar filled with green beads. She stared at the label with a puzzled look on her face.

Katniss looked at Peeta, unaccustomed to silence from her roommate. “Can I -?” she indicated the glass in Johanna’s hands. Johanna nodded and handed it over. Katniss unscrewed the top and removed a liner from under the lid before screwing the cover back on. A mild scent of spicy pine immediately filled the room.

“It’s one of those gel scented things… From that fancy candle store?” Faced with her roommate’s stoic expression, she found herself rambling nervously. “Obviously you can’t have open flames around here, but I thought you’d like something to remind you of the woods. Maybe put it by Ash’s bedside? So he can get familiar with the scent…”

Katniss looked to Peeta for support. “I hope we didn’t offend you,” he began. “We just thought-“

“No.” Johanna shook her head. “You didn’t offend me. It’s great… It’s…” She looked up, her eyes brimming with tears.  “It smells like home.” Katniss smiled in relief.

Johanna wiped at her eyes. “Ugh! The two of you better get out of here. Your sappiness is starting to rub off on me.”

“Oh, Johanna, we’ll miss you, too.” Peeta laughed. He moved to the bedside and gave her a big hug, placing a kiss on the top of her head. “You take care of yourself, okay?” He packed the rest of the bags together and grabbed the car seat. “I’m going to make sure we’re all set at the nurses’ station,” he told Katniss, nodding toward the hallway. He gave Johanna one last smile before slipping away to give the women a chance to say goodbye.

Johanna watched as he retreated into the hall. “He’s really a good guy.”

“He is,” Katniss agreed. “I’m very lucky.”

Johanna met her eyes. “You _both_ are. Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t.”

Johanna nodded seriously. “Okay.” She straightened her shirt and placed the jar on the end table. “So listen, I don’t do big weepy goodbyes. It was nice having you for a roommate. Now go get your man and your baby and go home.”

Katniss chuckled. “Yes, ma’am.” She cleared her throat and twisted her wedding ring on her finger. “Hey, Jo… I just wanted to say, thank you. For everything.”

“You’re welcome, brainless.”

*-*-*

“Well, I think everything’s in order,” Portia announced. “Cara passed the car seat test and all your paperwork is complete. You’re ready to start your new life as a family.”

“That’s it?” Peeta asked incredulously. “We just pick her up and walk out of here?”

Portia smiled. “That’s it. You’re free to go.”

He squinted, his blue eyes twinkling. “Seriously? You’re not gonna send security out after us or something?”

"Not unless you steal some of the furniture on your way out," Portia laughed. "She's your baby. No one's going to stop you from taking her home."

Katniss stared in wonder at the bundle in the car seat. "I still can't believe it. Are we going to be able to do this?" She reached out and touched the tiny fingers poking out of the sleeper - newborn sized, but still too large. "What if-" She shook her head, too overcome to even put words to her fears.

"Hey," Peeta replied softly, stepping closer and pulling her back against to his chest. He leaned his chin on her shoulder and reached around her to gently stroke Cara's cheek. The baby rooted toward his fingers in her sleep. "I know this is scary, but it's like this for all new parents. We'll figure it out, together."

They thanked Portia one last time, and she pressed a card into Peeta's hand. "The contact info for the NICU. If you have any questions, we're here to help." She gave Katniss an encouraging smile. "I know you'll do fine, but you aren't alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it." Peeta gave her a grateful hug, and then picked up the car seat and bags.

As they walked through the automatic doors for the last time, Katniss was drawn to the memorial plaque dedicated to baby Rue. She watched her husband carrying their daughter and thought about Rue and all of the other babies that never got to leave though those doors. Deep down, she promised herself she would never forget them, or lose sight of just how lucky they truly were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your follows and reviews over the past few months. Real life is a challenge - plus I got distracted by a few oneshots I wrote for the Everlark Drabble Challenge - but I am still dedicated to finishing this story. What was supposed to be 2-3 chapters is now going to be at least 6, possibly more. Feel free to check me out on Tumblr (sothereff) for updates on my ever-so-slow progress and other stories I'm working on. Thank you again!!

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter was submitted for PIP Language of Flowers day 4, prompt Hyacinth / Fertility. This story will have a few more chapters before it's complete, and I feel it's only fair to warn you that things get a little angsty after this... much like real life. Thanks for reading.


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